Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama whisper.  But what, as ABC News’ The Note wonders, are others saying?

Oh, the abundance of Rudy Giuliani-inspired cell phone bits. Oh, the prevalent Larry Craig potty humor (Extreme Mortman gag: Of course it was entrapment. Mark Foley was in the other stall. Hi-yo!). Oh, the generous sprinkling of Mike Gravel as an all-purpose punch line.

Last night was a rare night out for Extreme Mortman as we sampled the DC celebrity comedy scene at the Improv for the Funniest Celebrity in DC Contest. Of course, if you’re truly a political/media/DC insider, you know the annual show to be one-third contest, one-third comedy, and one-third solemn occasion as we continue to mourn the tragedy of 1999 when (and this has nothing to do with Turkey and Armenia) Joe Lieberman won the judge’s tally and beat out a young, pre-extreme Howard Mortman to become the annointed one (how ironic that judges selected Joe Lieberman then, but turned their back on him and Al Gore two years later). (By the way, Extreme Mortman gag: Joe Lieberman is so religious, he won’t vote for beef subsidies and dairy price supports on the same day. Hi-yo!)
The contest being what it is, independent-minded Jewish Senators naturally steal the show. And last night’s Arlen Specter performance was a spectacular and hilarious rehash of jokes he tells on the fundraising circuit. Bob Dole looms large in his semi-blue schtick. With an Ed Sullivan look and a Henny Youngman machine-gun delivery, Specter certainly plays well to the Inside-the-Borscht-Beltway crowd.

The dude from the Onion gave a polished and quite funny performance as well (we’re too lazy at the moment to look up his name. We think it was something like “Chris Rock.”) And the dreamy-so-dreamy Patrick Gavin of Fishbowl and Yeas & Nays brilliance offered this superb formula: “Is there any bigger oxymoron than ‘D.C.’s Funniest Celebrity’? You might as well do a contest for ‘D.C.’s best public school.’” Hi-yo!
We couldn’t quite figure out which charity benefited from the proceeds. We think it was it was a philanthropy foundation called “Politico,” because the name was everywhere (and thanks Politico for the invite!). Rest assured, though, every dollar raised goes to pay the salary of upper-level administrators. Hi-yo!

We have no idea who won. The DC Funniest Celebrity Contest, after all, is very much like the Academy Awards — after five hours they’re only up to best supporting actress.

Big names on stage, bigger name media celebs as judges. Bob Somerby: “If it weren’t for that panel of judges, we wouldn’t be in Iraq today.”

And further proof that “celebrity” is Latin for “willing to attend.”

And no, we don’t mean Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul sharing a cab.

We’re talking actual jokes, fresh material for the on-going political comedy routine.

Here are two delightful Washington-related jokes we’ve come across recently that we hadn’t heard before but are worth sharing.

From the Weekly Standard:

If you watched any of General David Petraeus’s testimony before a variety of congressional committees last week, THE SCRAPBOOK thought you might enjoy seeing “the rest of the picture” (as Paul Harvey might put it). Spend enough time in Washington, and someone back home will inevitably ask if you ever thought of going into public service. We’ve always said no and joked that there’s a two-word reason for that: breakfast meetings.

And from The American Spectator:

“How does a farmer double his income?”
“Get a second mailbox.”
I was first told this joke 17 years ago by a friend who was both a farmer and a director of a state agricultural agency. It still resonates with me, today, as we witness another harvest season, not in the fertile fields across America but here in Washington, D.C.

Heard any other new ones lately?  Please share.

First click here.

Then click here.

Monday’s Democratic presidential candidate debate set two important milestones:

1. The establishment of YouTube as an official player in politics; and
2. The establishment of the precedent that politicians will answer questions from anyone – even snowmen. In fact, with so many Senators running for president, soon we’ll hear this on Capitol Hill: “I’d like to thank my good friend, the distinguished snowman, Mr. Frosty.”

What’s next?

It’s only a matter of time before other hugely popular websites get in on the action and sponsor their own debates.

Here are likely suspects for hosting future presidential debates – and the questions candidates will probably get:

The Amazon Debate

• What’s your favorite book?
• What’s the last book you’ve read?
• What’s on your nightstand?
• Beach reading?
• Book if you’re by yourself on a deserted island?
• Book if you’re at 1% in the polls?
• Book if you’re caught on video decking an intrusive photographer?
• Do you only care whether your name is in a book’s index?
• The last book you authored – who wrote it?
• To qualify for free shipping, would you care to double the amount you’re already spending with us?
• Why do you think that people who purchased your autobiography are also reading Dr. Seuss?

The Peapod Debate

• Let’s see if you connect with average, every day Americans: How much does a gallon of milk cost?
• How much with tax?
• How much with your bonus shopper card?
• How much if you add the driver’s tip?
• How much if you deduct all the impulse purchases you won’t make by not being there in person?
• How much if you deduct your cost of gas?
• How much for a gallon of vodka, instead?

The Netflix Debate

• Do you prefer widescreen or full screen?
• Do you watch the bonus features?
• With director’s commentary or without?
• Would you ever use your DVD as a coaster?
• Ready to return to Blockbuster?
• Who should win Best Supporting Actress?
• To begin the debate, would you like to thank the Academy?

The EBay Debate

• How much would you pay for this portrait of dogs playing poker?
• How much for this pink flamingo for your front lawn?
• How much for the matching pink flamingo for your back yard?
• How much would you pay for this double-wide?
• How much for this portrait of Al Pacino in “Scarface”?
• How much would you pay for this Pink Floyd album?
• How much would you pay for this freeze-dried Lindsay Lohan spittle?
• Does this look infected to you?

The Monster.com Debate

• What’s your salary range?
• Do you work well with others?
• Why the gaps on your resume?
• Why the gaps in your teeth?
• Did you have spinach for lunch?
• Any felonies you’d like to reveal?
• This is a question from Washington Post opinion-shapers: How’s your cleavage?

The Drudge Report Debate

• Hurricanes: Friends or foes?
• Is it the heat or the humidity?
• Will melting glaciers save this two-headed mouse?
• Will melting glaciers save Hillary Clinton?
• Aliens at Roswell, NM: Forced to land by heavy fog and light drizzle?
• The Lost Continent of Atlantis: Did hurricanes from the Bermuda Triangle cause the demise?
• Can unicorns survive gale force winds – and Hillary Clinton?
• Hot enough for you today?

The Expedia Debate

• Window or aisle?
• May I see your ID?
• Your preferred seatmate: fat guy or screaming baby?
• Do you possess any firearms?
• Do you think it’s funny to joke about airport security?
• Can you tell us your best “Hi, Jack!” joke?
• Have these bags been with you through the entire debate?

The Wonkette Debate

• Do you like your snark with or without post-irony?
• Which giggly naughty words make you laugh?
• What dastardly terrorist does the name Obama sound like? How about Kucinich?
• Can you make fun of this picture?
• Does this look infected to you?

And, of course, the Google Debate: Tell us something we don’t know already know about you. Hint: It’s impossible.

Bravo to Deborah Jeane Palfrey (or Palrey, as she prefers to call herself) for the best word choice of the day:

Consequently, I would ask the press and media to put aside the titillation of the “Who’s Who” list – at least in part - and instead investigate the disturbing genesis, the confounding evolution and the equally alarming continuation of this matter.

For a blogger, few things are as magical as someone paying for ad space on your blog.  So you can imagine my thrill to see the e-mail announcement that a new ad would appear on my Extreme Mortman blog.  That excitement intensified when I saw who bought the ad: The Politico, inviting questions for its May 3rd Republican presidential debate at the Ronald Reagan library.

If the Politico is seeking questions from Extreme Mortman readers, clearly they’ve run out of high-concept queries.  I hope the Politico doesn’t mind getting in the weeds with questions like, “Does this look infected to you?” and, “What’s your PIN number?”

It could happen.  Presidential debates, after all, attract some of the weirdest, funniest, and downright silliest questions you’ll ever see in politics.

Here is my list of Top Ten Zaniest Questions Asked At A Presidential Or Vice Presidential Debate.  As the Founding Fathers never said, we laugh because it’s funny, we laugh because it’s true.

10. A member of the audience at a 2000 presidential debate:

“My 6th grade class at St. Claire’s School wanted to ask of all these promises you guys are making and all the pledges, will you keep them when you’re in office?”

9.  Robert Boyd, Washington bureau chief for Knight-Ridder Newspapers, at the 1984 Vice Presidential debate:

“Congresswoman Ferraro, you have had little or no experience with military matters and yet you might someday find yourself commander-in-chief of the armed forces. How can you convince the American people and the potential enemy that you would know what to do to protect this nation’s security, and do you think in any way that the Soviets might be tempted to try to take advantage of you simply because you are a woman?”

8.  CNN’s Bernard Shaw at the 2000 vice presidential debate:

“Our moderator has committed a boo-boo. I asked the sexual orientation question of you. I should not have done that in terms of rotation. Gentlemen, I apologize.”

7.   An audience question from a 1992 presidential debate:

“How has the national debt personally affected each of your lives?”

6.  Barbara Walters at a 1980 presidential debate:

“You have already given us your reasons why people should vote for you, now would you please tell us for this your final question, why they should not vote for your opponent, why his Presidency could be harmful to the nation and, having examined both your opponent’s record and the man himself, tell us his greatest weakness.”

5.  Candidate James Stockdale, 1992 vice presidential debate:

“Who am I? Why am I here?”

4.  Bernard Shaw, again from 2000:

“Dick Cheney, Joe Lieberman, you are black for this question. Imagine yourself an African-American. You become the target of racial profiling either while walking or driving. African-American Joseph Lieberman, what would you do about it?”

3.  CBS’ Bob Schieffer at a 2004 presidential debate:

“The flu season is suddenly upon us. Flu kills thousands of people every year.   Suddenly we find ourselves with a severe shortage of flu vaccine. How did that happen?”

2. An audience question from a 1992 presidential debate:

“Could we cross our hearts? It sounds silly here but could we make a commitment? You know, we’re not under oath at this point but could you make a commitment to the citizens of the US to meet our needs?”

1.And of course, the all-time zaniest question asked at a presidential debate, this opening tickler posed by Bernard Shaw in 1988:

“Governor, if Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered, would you favor an irrevocable death penalty for the killer?”

Maybe the Politico could bring that question back on May 3rd?  Here then, is my submission: “Mayor Giuliani, if Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered, would you favor an irrevocable death penalty for the killer?”

Last week CBS News admitted that an episode of “Katie Couric’s Notebook” was cribbed by a since-fired producer from a column that Jeffrey Zaslow had written for the Wall Street Journal.  The episode professed Couric’s joy over getting her first library card.  In case the replacement producer is looking for more original, personalized thoughts to put in Katie’s mouth, he/she is welcome to steal any or all of the following:

Oh, how I love my AAA card.  I love getting 15% of Hertz rentals.  I love saving two bucks off the admission to amusement parks.  And I love getting recommended routes for road trips.

But most of all, dear [reader/viewer], I’m just nutty about jump starts.

I remember the first time — who can forget? — when my car wouldn’t start.  It was cold.  I needed stamps.  And my car wouldn’t turn over.  Instead of panicking, I cooly retrieved my Triple-A card from the forgotten recesses of my wallet, and made the call.  I waited to talk to someone for 5 minutes.  Then 10 minutes.  Then 15 minutes.  I didn’t care how long it took.  I liked the hold music.  It reminded me of simple, happer times, like when Dan Rather was anchor.  Then — aha! — a customer service rep with a vaguely Bangaloran accent picked up.  She asked for my AAA membership number.  Then she asked my name — that made me feel like a civilian, like you!  Then she wanted my VIN.  Then my car make and model.  And license plate number.  Then my weight.  Then she asked for my hair color.  And my social security number, and a few of my credit card numbers, including that three-digit security number.  Then she asked for my Amazon.com password.  And sure enough — within 90-120 minutes the tow truck came.  The driver took out jumper cables, connected my battery to his, red to red and black to black, I turned the ignition, and — vroooom — the car started.  It made me so very happy.  So very perky.

I smiled that day.  I still smile today, thinking of my AAA card.  Just glad I don’t have an NRA card.
For CBS Evening News, I’m Katie Couric.

Here at Extreme Mortman’s world rhyming headquarters, we’re just giddy with excitement over the approaching Funniest Fed competition.  Yours truly will be a judge.  And if you remember our losing performance against Joe Lieberman in the DC Funniest Celebrity competition at the Improv some time back in the hazy late ’90s, you’ll know that we’re not bitter …. just vengeful.

Meantime, check out Anne Schroeder’s exceptionally brilliant Shenanigans column on the topic.  Funniest Fred anyone?

A rare opportunity and treat in the glass-enclosed nerve center of Extreme Mortman these days– we’re reading Christopher Buckley’s wonderful new “Boomsday.”  With surgical precision he elevates media, political, and PR cynicism to all-new heights.  Among many shining moments there’s a particular gem on page 81 (don’t worry about plot spoiling, this is one of many delightful tangents Buckley pursues):

On the other side of the walls of the detention center, Cass was playing hearts with a reporter for The New York Times.  The reporter was a fellow inmate.  There were quite a few reporters “on the inside” these days, so many of them that they’d formed their own prison gang.  They called themselves “Pulitzer Nation” and sported henna tattos and do-rags made from expensive hosiery.  Cass’s card-playing partner was a Times reporter who had revealed in her “Letter from Washington” that the CIA had planted a chef inside the French embassy in Washington — no mean feat — who was putting edible listening devices in the torchons de foie gras at state dinners.  She was refusing to reveal her source.

A great read for fans of just about anything political and DC media-related.