Daylight Saving Time starts Sunday, March 9.  Which means Hillary Clinton’s campaign should probably change its ad so that the 3 a.m. red phone call instead is at 4 a.m.
(gag hat tip to JammieWearingFool via Instapundit)

By the way, in the Extreme Mortman household, we observe Daylight Saving Time in the traditional way, by eating a big stuffed turkey and exchanging gifts.

Meantime, consider this additional reason to disapprove of the job Congress is doing:

Straight from the Academy of Arts and Silences, it’s the latest entry on Michael Silence’s sensational No Silence Here blog:

The Blog of Bad Puns

In a previous life I worked with Howard Mortman of Extreme Mortman while covering politics. At that time he was with the National Journal’s “Hotline” and I was covering Tennessee politics. A couple of years ago or so I stumbled across his blog, which I’ve pretty much become addicted to. Why? He comes up with some of the sharpest bad-pun headlines in the land. Every day I can’t imagine them getting worse, but every day he outdoes himself. One of these days when I’m in D.C. I’m going to buy him a beer, raise my class and toast The Blog of Bad Puns.

Then we’ll take a ride in Michael’s Silence of the Lamborghinni.

And that’s hardly my best stuff.

OK, here’s an odd little twist.

Barack Obama’s camp is explaining this picture …

… by saying he was wearing traditional Somali garb.

Well, apparently now, Hillary Clinton’s camp is explaining this photo …

…. by saying she was wearing traditional Halloween garb.

Here at Extreme Mortman, we rarely shy away from free content.

So when a loyal fan of the two Howards — Mortman and Cosell — saw the below post (on the lost opportunity for there to be a Sen. Cosell) and sent over a hugely hilarious impression of Cosell, we fired up the ole copy and paste machine and let ‘er rip.  After all, no telling where else they might have shopped it — perhaps, even, for pay.
So tet’s go right to the broadcast booth and our own yellow-jacketed Howard Cosell.  Howard?

Giff, the eyes of the country are on the Granite State tonight, and you are looking live at the Manchester Holiday Inn.  Balmy temperatures are boosting a big turnout, the Old Man in the Mountain was up late last night casting his vote in Dixville Notch.  Could this be the year a handsome young first term Senator from the Land of Lincoln – whose foreign policy credentials are as questionable as Reggie Jackson’s – can overtake the vaunted Vince Lombardi-like Clinton machine???   Barack Obama: man, myth, legend or liability???   The crowds swell, the polls surge, the candidate all but consumed in what appears to be a phenomenon the likes of which we haven’t seen since my very good friend Robittt … Francis … Kennedy.
And what of the Republicans?   The old warhorse John McCain.  We all know the story.  Hanoi Hilton.  POW.  Straight-talking media darling.  Will he strike Granite Gold again tonight?  And what about the plastic money man Mitt Romney???   The only difference between Romney and a Ken doll is that Barbie would actually dump Romney – a man who’s mantra gives new relevance to Judy Collins’s famous sixties anthem “Both Sides Now.”  But be .. that .. as .. it .. may: Romney could resuscitate his flagging effort by managing expectations to a victory by placing a close second.
And Mike Huckabee reminds me of the Dandyroo.  He has everyone west of the Hudson River but has no idea why.  And what must Al Gore be thinking?  He’s got an Oscar, an Emmy, a Nobel Prize but prefers to ride the bench.  But wait, Meredith won an Emmy, something for which yours truly was truly deserving.  But I digress Giff.
I like Obama!!!!   I love that little ____ excuse me, my microphone needs adjusting.  Ah well, the story from Manchester is it appears the primary process is so condensed, so jam-packed, so cluelessly front-loaded that both parties will have chosen nominees well before the Redskins hire a new head coach.
This …is Howudd Coselll.

We’ve been quite concerned that Mike Huckabee is steadily introducing religion into the presidential race.

But now we’re a bit relieved.  Equal time hath arrived.

Turns out, when Rudy Giuliani was admitted to the hospital to treat flu-like symptoms, he went to St. Louis’ Barnes-Jewish Hospital.  Nice place for a bris.  And a brisket.
By the way, if you look examine closely the Barnes-Jewish logo, like we did the Huckabee floating cross ad, you’ll clearly make out the watermark copyright that the Lord put on the Old Testament.

For generations we’ve been taught that the funniest words, the words guaranteed to get laughs, all have a hard “K” sound.  Coconut, crazy, Ku Klux Klan, Buick — just to name a crafty few.

Woody Allen once asserted that no word is funnier than “feathers.”  Being a hard “K” traditionalist and loyalist, I couldn’t concur.
But today there’s a kooky wrinkle.
Instapundit points us to a Yale Law Journal piece detailing which Supreme Court Justices are funniest, and why.

This part gives makes me cuckoo:

Once in a while, a Justice will get a laugh just for saying a funny word, like on November 10, 2004, when Justice Breyer made the gallery laugh by saying “Limburger cheese.”

The gallery laughed at that?!  That’s one easy gallery.  Memo to self:  take cream cheese out of the act.

CNN just ran a story about the largest-ever Swiss Army Knife.

Some quick digging confirms:

And here’s all the authentication you need:

The only drawback is price: $1,200.
No word if this will be the weapon we end up using to fight the bad guys in Iraq if Ron Paul wins.

Washingtonians know that one of our longest-standing Thanksgiving traditions is the Washington Post annually serving up the same Art Buchwald Thanksgiving column that first appeared some time during the Coolidge Adminstration.

Buchwald, sadly, is no longer with us.  But will his ageless column still be with us on Thursday?  We can’t wait for the trucks to deliver that early bulldog edition.  We bet the Post runs the column.  Heck, free content is free content, right?

Either way, Extreme Mortman won’t be stopped from doing our annual response to the annual Buchwald column.

We started this family-friendly tradition it last year and continue now — word-for-word as it appeared during America’s glory days, 2006.  Here it is:

Chances are, after your guests finish extinguishing their cigarettes in the mashed potatoes, your Thanksgiving dinner will be marked by reading Art Buchwald’s Thanksgiving column, which was written in 1953 and feels like it has run in the Washington Post every year since 1952.  (If you missed last year’s, click here.  But not to worry, it’ll be the same this year.)

Inspired by Art Buchwald’s Thanksgiving franchise, Extreme Mortman years ago began his own special Thanksgiving joke.  I tell it to you now so you have plenty of time to steal it and practice telling it to others.  It provides the perfect opportunity to impress your family and friends at Thursday’s big dinner by showing that, like Art Buchwald, you’re witty, you’re on top of the news, you can identify important national icons, and you think great thoughts which may or may not have been inspired by the French.

Now, without further adieu, is the annual Extreme Mortman Thanksgiving joke:

For Thanksgiving, C-SPAN is providing gobble to gobble coverage.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama whisper.  But what, as ABC News’ The Note wonders, are others saying?

Oh, the abundance of Rudy Giuliani-inspired cell phone bits. Oh, the prevalent Larry Craig potty humor (Extreme Mortman gag: Of course it was entrapment. Mark Foley was in the other stall. Hi-yo!). Oh, the generous sprinkling of Mike Gravel as an all-purpose punch line.

Last night was a rare night out for Extreme Mortman as we sampled the DC celebrity comedy scene at the Improv for the Funniest Celebrity in DC Contest. Of course, if you’re truly a political/media/DC insider, you know the annual show to be one-third contest, one-third comedy, and one-third solemn occasion as we continue to mourn the tragedy of 1999 when (and this has nothing to do with Turkey and Armenia) Joe Lieberman won the judge’s tally and beat out a young, pre-extreme Howard Mortman to become the annointed one (how ironic that judges selected Joe Lieberman then, but turned their back on him and Al Gore two years later). (By the way, Extreme Mortman gag: Joe Lieberman is so religious, he won’t vote for beef subsidies and dairy price supports on the same day. Hi-yo!)
The contest being what it is, independent-minded Jewish Senators naturally steal the show. And last night’s Arlen Specter performance was a spectacular and hilarious rehash of jokes he tells on the fundraising circuit. Bob Dole looms large in his semi-blue schtick. With an Ed Sullivan look and a Henny Youngman machine-gun delivery, Specter certainly plays well to the Inside-the-Borscht-Beltway crowd.

The dude from the Onion gave a polished and quite funny performance as well (we’re too lazy at the moment to look up his name. We think it was something like “Chris Rock.”) And the dreamy-so-dreamy Patrick Gavin of Fishbowl and Yeas & Nays brilliance offered this superb formula: “Is there any bigger oxymoron than ‘D.C.’s Funniest Celebrity’? You might as well do a contest for ‘D.C.’s best public school.’” Hi-yo!
We couldn’t quite figure out which charity benefited from the proceeds. We think it was it was a philanthropy foundation called “Politico,” because the name was everywhere (and thanks Politico for the invite!). Rest assured, though, every dollar raised goes to pay the salary of upper-level administrators. Hi-yo!

We have no idea who won. The DC Funniest Celebrity Contest, after all, is very much like the Academy Awards — after five hours they’re only up to best supporting actress.

Big names on stage, bigger name media celebs as judges. Bob Somerby: “If it weren’t for that panel of judges, we wouldn’t be in Iraq today.”

And further proof that “celebrity” is Latin for “willing to attend.”