Here now is the next installment of our regular series — the Joke Reality Check — in which we put jokes told on the campaign trail or in the media or in the general political discussion through a VIP check-up and washing. We check whether jokes are stolen, poorly-premised, or poorly written or delivered. And we offer strategic advice to improve the attempt.  If we’re not too lazy.

On “Good Morning America” this week, Barack Obama was asked if Geraldine Ferraro was right, that he’s where he is in the Democratic presidential race today because of the color of his skin.

Obama had a splendid response:

“I think that if anybody was looking for the quickest path to the presidency, they would not say I want to be an African-American man named Barack Obama. I don’t think that’s in the handbook for running for president.”

Well done.  Hits the right slightly sarcastic, slightly self-deprecating note.

He probably won’t want to embellish it.  But if Obama ever does take that line on the comedy circuit, in the clubs on open mic night, here’s one way to add a bit more zing to it.

“I think that if anybody was looking for the quickest path to the presidency, they would not say I want to be an African-American man named Barack Obama. I don’t think that’s in the handbook for running for president.  I mean, do you really think America is ready for a Muslim terrorist born in Somalia to be its president?  Seriously.  C’mon, people, work with me!”

Here now is the next installment of our regular series — the Joke Reality Check — in which we put jokes told on the campaign trail or in the media or in the general political discussion through a VIP check-up and washing. We check whether jokes are stolen, poorly-premised, or poorly written or delivered. And we offer strategic advice to improve the attempt.  If we’re not too lazy.

On a happy note, we were thrilled this morning to see the Washington Post’s “Reliable Source” column run this amid its Eliot Spitzer coverage:

Isn’t there a great old joke about the Mann Act of 1910 (which Spitzer may have violated if he transported a hooker across state lines)?

So there was this zookeeper who was caring for these ancient dolphins. The secret to their long life, it seemed, was that they would only eat a certain kind of sea bird. So every month, the zookeeper had to drive to a state park filled with all kinds of exotic animals where he’d pick up the food. One night he was driving back late and ran over a big cat. He was arrested for violating the Mann Act: transporting gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises.

Kudos for digging up an old favorite.  Here are some other ways it’s been told through the years:

Lawyers Weekly, Oct. 26, 2001:

… a pun known to every U.S. high school student as late as the 1970s or 80s. The set-up joke varied, but generally concerned a scientist performing research on aging. The scientist experimented on dolphins, the joke usually went, which he fed baby gulls or mynah birds. For security, he also kept a couple of lions in his lab. The police inevitably charged him with “transporting gulls [or mynahs] across staid lions for immortal porpoises.”

Charleston Post and Courier, Feb. 27, 1999:

A scientist discovered that a species of dolphins, which apparently lived forever, was endangered because its supply of young sea birds was dwindling. He decided to go to the one island where he could find the needed birds. On the island, things got scary. In order to get to the birds, he had to tiptoe past two lions which had eaten a big meal and fallen asleep on the mountain path. He grabbed the birds and tiptoed back safely only to be arrested by the FBI.

His crime? He broke the Mann Act. He was transporting young gulls across sated lions for immortal porpoises.

Here now is the next installment of our regular series — the Joke Reality Check — in which we put jokes told on the campaign trail or in the media or in the general political discussion through a VIP check-up and washing. We check whether jokes are stolen, poorly-premised, or poorly written or delivered. And we offer strategic advice to improve the attempt.  If we’re not too lazy.

When we read this about John McCain’s meeting with President Bush last week …

McCain, an Arizona senator, picked up the president’s endorsement for his candidacy while dining on something simple: a hot dog.

“He said he was having a hot dog, so I had a hot dog,” McCain, referring to Bush, told reporters on his campaign plane during a flight to Florida …

… we thought we could go one of two ways with dissecting the joke.

One, we could go the difficult route and note the similarity between McCain’s line and that used in connection with other aging presidentially-ambitious Senators …

Bob Dole on following Strom Thurmond’s example at Capitol Hill receptions. “If he takes a shrimp, I take a shrimp. If he takes a banana, I take a banana.”

Or, we could go the easier — and arguably more satisfying route — by showing this …

Yeah, I’m with you.  Let’s just show the photo.  It worked for John Kerry.

Here now is the next installment of our new regular series — the Joke Reality Check — in which we put jokes told on the campaign trail or in the media or in the general political discussion through a VIP check-up and washing. We check whether jokes are stolen, poorly-premised, or poorly written or delivered. And we offer strategic advice to improve the attempt.

Bananas!

That’s right, bananas!

Cheers to John McCain for the best punchline we’ve heard on the campaign trail in a long, long time.  Most politicians’ jokes involve elaborate set-up and equally elaborate punchlines, turning even the funniest concept into awkward, humorless vapor.

Not so with John McCain during last night’s Republican debate at the Reagan library:

“I heard Gov. Romney describe his record, as I understand it his record was he raised taxes by $730 million — he called them fees. I’m sure the people that had to pay it, whether they called them bananas, they still had to pay $730 million extra.”

Bananas — hilarious!  There’s so much good to say about that:

• The word itself sounds funny
• It’s almost self-deprecating — isn’t McCain himself supposed to be bananas?
• It reminds us of Woody Allen:

Now, truth be told, McCain has used “bananas” as a punchline before, as this YouTube video evidence shows

But, as Mr. Tally Man proved by beating Mr. Taliban, banana works in so many places. Much more than the “wall like a duck, quack like a duck, must be a duck” hackneyed formula.

Bananas also reminds us fondly of Bob Dole, who long ago said that he followed Strom Thurmond’s example at Capitol Hill receptions. “If he takes a shrimp, I take a shrimp. If he takes a banana, I take a banana.”

Yes, banana — always funny.  No wonder the old folks are called the greatest generation.

Here now is the next installment of our new regular series — the Joke Reality Check — in which we put jokes told on the campaign trail or in the media or in the general political discussion through a VIP check-up and washing. We check whether jokes are stolen, poorly-premised, or poorly written or delivered. And we offer strategic advice to improve the attempt.

Going back to CNN’s YouTube Republican presidential candidate debate debacle, there were several jokes — and we don’t mean the questioners.

Let’s explore part of the early heated exchange between Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney over immigration.

GIULIANI:  It’s unfortunate, but Mitt generally criticizes people in a situation in which he’s had far the — worst record.

For example, in his case, there were six sanctuary cities. He did nothing about them.

There was even a sanctuary mansion. At his own home, illegal immigrants were being employed, not being turned into anybody or by anyone. And then when he deputized the police, he did it two weeks before he was going to leave office, and they never even seemed to catch the illegal immigrants that were working at his mansion. So I would say he had sanctuary mansion, not just sanctuary city.

“Sanctuary mansion” — good one.  But Giuliani completely mangles the delivery, stepping on and telegraphing his line.  A classic case of violating the classic rule: put the punchline last.

Let’s help out Hizzoner by suggesting this easy fix:

At his own home, illegal immigrants were being employed, not being turned into anybody or by anyone. And then when he deputized the police, he did it two weeks before he was going to leave office, and they never even seemed to catch the illegal immigrants that were working at his mansion.  That’s not merely a sanctuary city.  That’s a sanctuary mansion!

(Giuliani could have concluded with a rousing exclamatory “Hey, now” — but it might have cut into his time.)

Here’s an easy way to remember this easy rule.  I call it the Godfather rule of comedy.

Funny:  Of course I know everything about the Godfather movies.  I’ve seen them all.  Godfather I.  Godfather II.  And Godfather III — the good one.

Not funny:  Of course I know everything about the Godfather movies. I really liked Godfather III. It was good.  I also saw Godfather I and II.  But yes, Mitt, Godfather III was good.  I think you have the DVD of it in your sanctuary mansion, right?

By the way, inadvertently this was the funniest moment of the debate:

ANDERSON COOPER:  Congressman Hunter?

DUNCAN HUNTER: Yes. Cooper, a great debate.

“Cooper” of course is the last name.  Talk about getting your punchlines out of order.  Might we next help out Hunter Duncan?

Here now is the next installment of our new regular series — the Joke Reality Check — in which we put jokes told on the campaign trail or in the media or in the general political discussion through a VIP check-up and washing. We check whether jokes are stolen, poorly-premised, or poorly written or delivered. And we offer strategic advice to improve the attempt. Our first venture was reality checking a Mike Huckabee joke (click here to relieve that glory moment.) Then we reviewed a Mitt Romney zinger. Today, we turn our sights on Barack Obama and his “Saturday Night Live” cameo.

Wrong!

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong!

Barack Obama went the wrong direction last night on “SNL.”

He attacked Hillary Clinton. Not directly, of course, but that was the implied premise.

And he violated –not in a good way — the cardinal rule of politician comedy: Go self-deprecatory, of don’t go at all.

He should have used the guest spot to make fun of himself, not of someone else, even if it was Hillary.

Here’s the model for doing it right.
Nearly twenty years ago today Bruce Babbitt had one of the best cameo appearances ever by a politician/presidential candidate. He was funny, out-of-character, and of course, self-deprecating.

The 10/17/87 transcript from the SNL Transcript vault (it’s lengthy, but it’s worth it):

Dennis Miller: This season, Weekend Update will be following the race for the White House. And who better to cover the last presidential election in the Al Franken Decade than Al Franken himself.
Al Franken: Thanks, Dennis. You know, a lot of people come up to me and say, “Al Franken, why don’t you run for President?” Well, I’d like to be President, I think I’d be a great one. Perhaps one of the greatest in our nation’s history. But I don’t want to submit myself to the intrusive scrutiny characteristic of today’s presidential politics. For example, I’d have to give up adultery. Yes, this is the year of the damaging disclosure. Of course, Gary Hart for womanizing, Joe Biden for plagierism. But every one of the remaining candidates has some sort of skeleton in his closet, some dark secret, some character flaw just waiting to be uncovered. And who better to do it than me, Al Franken. So tonight, starting alphabetically, I confront former two-term Arizona governor Bruce Babbitt.
[ cut to footage of Al’s interview with Gov. Babbitt ]
Al Franken V/O: I caught up to Gov. Babbitt on a recent stopover in New York.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Al, this campaign is about America’s future, how we can control that deficit, the importance of investing in the education of our nation’s children.
Al Franken: Uh-huh. Governor, what about the character issue?
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: What about it?
Al Franken: I’m referring to your long history of going into supermarket express lanes with more than ten items?
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: [ outraged ] Who told you that? The Dukakais campaign?
Al Franken: Well, I don’t want to reveal my sources, but.. yeah.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Look, Al, it’s a lie! It just, it just isn’t true!
Al Franken: Well, Governor, you might want to take a look at this. [ holds up tape labeled “Babbitt Express Lane” ]
[ a stunned expression appears on Gov. Babbitt’ face ]
[ cut to slide graphic, SUPER: “Babbitt Express Lane, Please Return To Dukakis Campaign” ]
[ cut to security camera footage of Gov. Babbitt trying to sneak more than ten items into the Express lane at his local supermarket ]
Cashier: Have a nice day. [ to Gov. Babbitt ] I’m sorry sir, this is the express lane. The sign says 10 items or less and you’ve got.. 14 items.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Aw, c’mon. Give me a break. The soup is 3 for a dollar. That’s one item.
Cashier: It’s still 12 items, sir.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Aw, c’mon… give me a break… I’m running for president. I’m in a hurry.
Cashier: Next please.
[ cut back to Al and Dennis at the Update desk ]
Dennis Miller: Now, Al, how do you think this embarrassing exposure will affect the campaign?
Al Franken: Well, Dennis, it’s already had an effect. The Babbitt damage control team has been meeting around the clock, and the rest of the Dukakis staff has been forved to resign.
Dennis Miller: Now, hold on, Al. I understand from off-camera I’ve been told that Gov. Babbitt is about to make a statement. Let’s go to that, live.
[ cut to live Babbitt press conference footage ]
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Good evening. It is time that I step up.. and admit.. that in the past I have been guilty of the injudicious use of grocery store express lanes. But I would like to point out.. that on one such occasion.. the cashier actually counted a Kellogg’s snack pack as six items.. [ holds up letter ] ..and I have here a letter from Kellogg’s referring to the snack pack as “an item”. But that’s not the point. I have.. more than once.. taken the shortcut in supermarkets.. and I apologize. Now, some say that I should withdraw from the race. But I say.. Hell no!
[ cut back to Al and Dennis at the Update desk ]
Dennis Miller: Well, Al, thank you for the report.

Here now is the next installment of our new regular series — the Joke Reality Check — in which we put jokes told on the campaign trail or in the media or in the general political discussion through a VIP check-up and washing.  We check whether jokes are stolen, poorly-premised, or poorly written or delivered.  And we offer strategic advice to improve the attempt.  Our first venture was reality checking a Mike Huckabee joke (click here to relieve that glory moment.)  Today, we check in with Mitt Romney.

During Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate, Mitt Romney used this line against Fred Thompson:

ROMNEY:  This is a lot like “Law and Order,” Senator. (Laughter.) It –
MATTHEWS: Okay, thank you.
ROMNEY: No, it has a huge cast, the series seems to go on forever –
MATTHEWS: Okay.  Senator –
ROMNEY: — and Fred Thompson shows up at the end. (Laughter, applause, cross talk.)
MATTHEWS: Senator –

Fred Thompson had a great spontaneous response:

And to think I thought I was going to be the best actor on the stage.

But there’s something wrong with Romney’s joke.  What is it?

The presentation.  He inverted it.  He gave away the punchline at the beginning.

Here’s how Joke Reality Check would’ve done it:

Get a load of this.  There’s a huge cast.  The series seems to go on forever.  And Fred Thompson shows up at the end.  That’s not a debate.  That’s “Law & Order.”

Ba-dum.