While Extreme Mortman has been recovering from brokeleg, the Extreme Household finally checked out brokeback — as in “Brokeback Mountain,” on DVD. We were underwhelmed. And puzzled.
My biggest question — what was Hollywood thinking when they nominated it for a Best Picture Oscar? How could they have wanted to put that movie in the pantheon of some of the all time greats, like “Casablanca,” “Patton,” “Lawrence of Arabia,” and “The Godfather(s)”?

“Brokeback” certainly doesn’t deserve such notoriety. In fact, we found the main characters possessing only one dimesnion — selfish — and the movie utterly lacking of any message other than that the traditional family structure is inferior to the occassional sexual encounter. The only reason it was nominated for best picture had to be that Hollywood was sending a political message. It clearly didn’t deserve the honor on its merits. Oscar winner “Crash” had an overt message, too, but at least it was a great, gripping move ioo. “Brokeback” was simply boring.
From now on, we’re sticking to enjoyable fare like “Toy Story.”

As I continue my recovery from a broken leg, I keep asking myself: What would Jack Bauer do in my situtation. One episode this season he suffered cracked ribs — and by the next hour he was back to torturin’ people. No bandages, no painkillers, no grimaces, nuthin’. A role model.

Extreme Mortman’s been dark the last few days. Why? Broke my leg. Not broke back, as in the failed Oscar nominee, but broke leg, as in Tonya Harding and Jeff Gilloly.

The doctors inserted a titanium rod in my right leg (even though it was the left one that I broke. Anyone know a good malpractice lawyer? Nah, just kidding.)

I can’t tell a fibula. Walking around with a titanium rod in my body proudly puts me in the same heavy metal league with celebrities such as the late Christopher Reeve, who needed titanium in his broken arm after attendants dropped him one day, Gloria Estefan, who got titanium in her spine after a bus accident, and legendary Austrian Alpine Skier Hermann Maier — the Hermannator. Just call me, I guess, the Extreminator.

How’m I doing now? Taking lots of aspirin because I’ve been running a high femur.

Conan O’Brien thinks he’s breaking new ground by visiting Finland. Well, Extreme Mortman has the late-night comedian beat by nearly four years. Lloyd Grove wrote this in June 2002 when he was the Washington Post gossip columnist:

Washington writer Howard Mortman phoned us yesterday from Tampere, Finland, to file this report on the activities of the Finnish news media during this week’s political convention of the ruling Social Democratic Party: “About 20 Finnish print reporters and TV people — their version of Howard Fineman and Sam Donaldson — just got through taking a group sauna on the edge of Lake Hangaslahti about 10 kilometers from town. It was a traditional smoke sauna, like an oven, with burning wood, and the smoke was let out and then 20 naked men — the top political journalists in Finland — were all sweating and flogging themselves with birch branches. I also saw flogging of one person by another. Then they all jumped into the lake.” All we can say is: Don’t get any big ideas, Don Rumsfeld.

You’re telling me this is the best they’ve got?

New York Times caption:

President Bush shaking hands in 2001 with Chief Raul Garza of the Kickapoo tribe of Texas. In the background at left is the lobbyist Jack Abramoff; Karl Rove, the president’s top adviser, is at the right.

Talk about “in the background”! I needed my electron microscope to find Abramoff.

By that reasoning, the late great John Ritter and I were best friends.

Here’s the evidence: