Further evidence that Larry King may be slowing down a step.

Last night he hosted celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay.

And the ambitious cooking segment they served up?

Get ready, get ready … OK, here’s the answer: They showed us how to smear cream cheese on a bagel.

KING: One of my favorite foods is bagels and lox and cream cheese. They put out a whole assortment. I have no idea what this is, peas.
RAMSAY: They’re called capers.
KING: Capers, green stuff here.
RAMSAY: Chives.
KING: Weird mustard.
RAMSAY: Really nice, wasabi mustard.
KING: Wasabi mustard. Here’s how I make it. You take the bagel.
RAMSAY: Yes. We toasted it. See, already you screwed up. It stops it from going soggy.
KING: Correct. They should have tasted it. Is it big in Europe?
RAMSAY: Huge. Absolutely huge.
KING: It’s very big here.
RAMSAY: Yeah. OK.
KING: I’m using a spoon because we don’t have forks, CNN budget. And then I put that down, and I take a piece of lox or whatever they call it.
RAMSAY: OK. Smoked salmon from Scotland.
KING: Smoked salmon from Scotland, lox from down lower east side.
RAMSAY: OK. First of all, I’ll never go to your house, just the way you spread that cream cheese, it’s so thin, that means you’re mean. You’re really tight. You come around, you start crying when the string breaks, you take the money out of the pot.
KING: I do not.
RAMSAY: Let me show you really quickly. Spread it on with a little affection. It’s a lot easier to go on, but show a little bit of courtesy and have some fun with it and not be so tight.
KING: I’m not tight. I’m having an unusual moment.

And, well, they never quite regained their footing after that.
No doubt Larry’s next cooking segment will be exciting and exotic things you can do with prune juice.

From the Washington Post’s coverage of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad appearance at the United Nations:

An Iranian reporter asked Ahmadinejad how he could say during an appearance at Columbia University on Monday that there are no homosexuals in Iran, noting that she knows a few herself.
“Seriously?” he replied. “I don’t know of any.” He asked for their addresses so the government could “be aware of what’s going on.”

That’s one way to get someone’s address.  Just imagine how it plays out: “So what do we say we grab dinner out and a movie?  I’ll have my Gestapo pick you up around eight?”

It’s not often the White House press corps gets called offensive, but it happened today.

From the press briefing with White House spokesperson Dana Perino.

MS. PERINO: On the speech — your question about the speech, the drafts are circulated, and there was an error made in trying to make sure that interpreters had what they needed. I don’t know how the draft of the speech — it was not final — was posted, but it was, and it was taken down. There’s really nothing more to say about it.
Q And they were phonetic spellings of various countries — as well, we understand.
MS. PERINO: That’s not unusual. We do that for many speeches.
Q Does the President have a hard time pronouncing some of these countries’s name?
MS. PERINO: I think that’s a offensive question. I’m going to just decline to comment on it.

And no, we don’t mean Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul sharing a cab.

We’re talking actual jokes, fresh material for the on-going political comedy routine.

Here are two delightful Washington-related jokes we’ve come across recently that we hadn’t heard before but are worth sharing.

From the Weekly Standard:

If you watched any of General David Petraeus’s testimony before a variety of congressional committees last week, THE SCRAPBOOK thought you might enjoy seeing “the rest of the picture” (as Paul Harvey might put it). Spend enough time in Washington, and someone back home will inevitably ask if you ever thought of going into public service. We’ve always said no and joked that there’s a two-word reason for that: breakfast meetings.

And from The American Spectator:

“How does a farmer double his income?”
“Get a second mailbox.”
I was first told this joke 17 years ago by a friend who was both a farmer and a director of a state agricultural agency. It still resonates with me, today, as we witness another harvest season, not in the fertile fields across America but here in Washington, D.C.

Heard any other new ones lately?  Please share.

Dana Milbank’s coverage of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad includes this gem:

The reception was rather friendlier at the press club, where the sole questioner was moderator Jerry Zremski of the Buffalo News. He introduced Ahmadinejad as “one of the most newsworthy heads of state in the world” and chose written questions submitted by the audience such as “Do you plan on running for reelection in two years?”

I’m watching Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speak to Columbia University students.  And I’m waiting for someone to throw a pie in his face.

After all, he’s taking advantage of our freedom of speech.  Normally, when someone controversial (i.e. conservative) speaks freely on a campus, the typical response is an enlightened student to rush the stage with a pie.  Freedom of pastry, after all.

Hasn’t happened yet.  But I’m sure they’re just waiting for the right moment.

I’ll wait, too.

Hillary Clinton was on CBS News’ “Face the Nation” and this occurred:

The junior Senator from New York pointed to continued nuclear development by Iran and North Korea - and reported cooperation between Syria and North Korea - as evidence of U.S. enemies growing stronger.

If Clinton wants to take her tough talk a step further, here’s an idea.  Democrats seem to be willing to pursue and eliminate terrorists and evil doers as long as they’re not in Iraq.  It’s an outgrowth of their propensity to support wars we’re not actually fighting.

So with the news of …

…. a reported Israeli air strike on Sept. 6 which some U.S. officials have linked to apparent Israeli suspicions of secret nuclear cooperation between Damascus and North Korea …

… we might want to ask Clinton and the other Democratic presidential candidates the following: Do you condone and/or embrace Israel’s specific actions — and would you likewise do so as president for any other similar use of force?  The daring Israeli raid is a clean incident — meaning, Iraq’s not part of the equation.  Let’s have a clean statement of Democratic policy.

We learn:

Mike Huckabee showed up for his NRA speech wearing jeans and cowboy boots. “I’m not trying to be cool … I’ve been on Delta,” which he said stands for “Didn’t Even Leave the Airport.”

Cute line.  Stolen, of course.  But cute.

Proposing zany airplane acronyms has been popular silly sport for a long time.

We go to the site Profession Jokes for the best collection we’ve ever seen of the jocular genre:

Airlines Acronyms Explained
Alitalia: Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
Alitalia: Always Late In Take-off Always Late In Arrival
American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea
BOAC: Better On A Camel
Delta: Don’t Ever Leave The Airport
Delta: Don’t Expect Luggage To Arrive
El Al: Every Landing Always Late
Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PIA: Perhaps I’ll Arrive
Sabena: Such A Bad Experience - Never Again
SAS: Sex After Service
TAP: Take Another Plane
TWA: That Was Awful
TWA: Try With Another

Although not an acronym, we are reminded of an ancient Extreme Mortman joke from a long since forgotten national political convention:

I see that this long since forgotten national political convention is sponsored by U.S. Airways.  Which means if you want to get from the Virginia delegation to the California delegation, you have to transfer through the North Carolina convention.

Extreme Mortman will be dark the next few days in observance of Yom Kippur.

To get in the spirit of the day, we wanted to present some sort of Presidential Yom Kippur message from administrations past.

But which one to pick?  Turned out to be an easy choice.   Bill Clinton from September 24, 1993.

Why?  You’ll see in this actual transcript of his message.  (Hint: the name of the high holiday is Yom Kippur)

Yore Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is a holy day that provides the opportunity to seek forgiveness and to enter the new year with a clean conscience and a clear purpose. It is a chance to seek pardon and to ask divine guidance for serf-improvement. Yore Kippur emphasizes the importance of honoring the memories of loved ones no longer living, but still remembered. Above all, Yore Kippur recognizes the need to repair personal relationships—relationships with friends and family, with God, with those who live on in our memories, and with those for whom we may have previously felt animosity. With the recent signing of the agreement between Israel and the Palestine Liberation Organization, this Yore Kippur is particularly significant.

If you guessed Yore Kippur, yore right!

Extreme Mortman’s intrepid real estate reporter was recently dispatched into the field to cover the open house of 4308 Forest Lane, also known as Richard Nixon’s home during the second term of his Veep days, located in Washington’s Wesley Heights neighborhood.  Our faithful man in the field files this report:

These days you don’t have to leave your desktop to tour real estate, of course.  See the virtual tour here.

But, alas, to appreciate this 8-bedroom home — listed at $4.5 million by Long & Foster’s superb agent Meg Crowley — requires a site visit.  And don’t forget the digital camera.

It’s the perfect home for anyone with seven children, essentially.  Or a need for a putting green in the backyard and a 15-minute commute to K Street.

My earnest recommendation: Buy this house.

And when you do, make certain to demand that the photograph in the gold frame of the master bedroom conveys with the title.  It’s a piece of history that should remain with the house forever.

So, what do you do when you’ve got your two kids in the backseat of the car for an afternoon of ‘forced family fun’ with a site visit of an open house of Dick Nixon’s former home? (Actual quote: ‘Aw, c’mon Dad, do we really have to do this?’)

Of course, you turn it up a couple notches and force them to also go see eight other former residences of future Presidents in DC’s upper NW neighborhoods. (Actual quote: “Yes, you do. And since you’re complaining about it, we’ll go see a couple other Presidents’ homes too.”)

Richard Nixon former residences:
4903 Forest Lane, NW, Washington, DC  (1957-1961)
4801 Tilden Street, NW, Washington, DC (1951-1957) The Broadmoor Hotel, 3601 Connecticut Avenue, NW, Washington, DC (1947)

George W. Bush former residences:
4429 Lowell Street, NW
4910 Hillbrook Lane, NW
5161 Palisades NW
4400 block of Cathedral Avenue NW

LBJ former residence: 4040 52nd Street, NW

All told, it’s about a 45-minute tour by car (thank you MapQuest!).  And, just like the forced family fun of our youth, you get to go get ice cream afterwards.”

Sources & Links:

1) Box 1 Folder 28: Committee on Building Lands–correspondence and meeting minutes, 01/26/1957; Text on folder “Approval of sale of residence of late Homer Stille Cummings at 4308 Forest Lane, N.W., at a price of $75,000.00 net. Executors to be so advised.”

2) The Bushes also lived on the 4400 block of Cathedral Avenue and the 4400 block of Lowell Street, according to information supplied by the Bush Presidential Library.

They then moved to a €œwonderful new,four-story house not far from Sibley Memorial Hospital on the 5100 block of Palisade Lane in the neighborhood of Kent, just a few blocks from Spring Valley.

The house was on Hillbrook Lane. Barbara Bush described it as a really old house.

3) 4429 Lowell Street NW

4) 1968 George H.W. Bush Christmas card for sale on eBay: 4910 Hillbrook Lane, NW

5) 1969 George H.W. Bush Christmas card for sale on eBay: 5161 Palisades Lane, NW

6) LBJ: 4040 52nd Street, NW